CLH Words

I got bottom surgery one year and some odd days ago. This was one of the best decisions of my life. I am in a completely different spot in my life, in large part due to my bottom surgery. I have written before here about the joy around it and touched on other aspects. As I look back a year, and see where I am now, it is not the joy that has led me to be in a better place, but rather the removing of the pain. Joy is good, but removal of dysphoria has had the bigger effect on me.

               Dysphoria sucks. Many different trans authors have described their own experiences with it (myself included), but I want to talk here about the cloud of dysphoria, not the active dysphoria. Before bottom surgery, I knew I had bottom dysphoria. When I would go out in public, I would feel discomfort. I had the anxiety of my pants not fitting right, worrying that someone might notice the bulge. This is what I thought dysphoria was. And, it is, at least partly. That is what I now see to be the active dysphoria. But for me, it went a lot deeper.

               Three years ago, before I started my anti-anxiety meds, I was always anxious. Yes, there would be moments that were more anxious, such as when a fear of mine would come up. But the anxiety was always there, like a slight buzzing in the background that was so persistent I thought it was normal. Then I started SSRIs and it went away. Only after could I look back and see that what I thought was my normal state was actually anxiety. The same is true with my bottom dysphoria.

               A year later, I look back and see that there were no moments when I was not dealing with bottom dysphoria. It was always there (your choice on what you take it to mean in this sentence :3). That background buzz of dysphoria affected me, all the time. It dampened all my moods, preventing me from being fully me at any moment. It was so constant that I failed to notice it.                Now, it has been removed. I am free of the buzzing. Everything about my life has gotten better, because the background taint has been removed. I am so happy with my decision. This makes it worth it a hundred times over, not to mention all the moments of joy and euphoria I have experienced along with it. My life is good. I